Episode 16: Mothering the Mother: Honoring our Grief with Kelle Myers
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Motherhood is a profound transformation, yet society rarely gives mothers the space to fully honor this shift. In the latest episode of Redefining Us, host Stephanie Konter-O’Hara speaks with Licensed Professional Counselor Kellee Meyers about the power of ritual, grief, and reclaiming sacred spaces for mothers.
The Unspoken Grief of Motherhood
Kellee shares how her own experiences of birth, trauma, and recovery led her to explore ceremony. Motherhood often comes with silent grief—mourning the self before children, unmet expectations, and the emotional toll of birth. Too often, mothers are told to "just be grateful," leaving them without space to process their pain. Kellee’s work challenges this, offering structured ways to heal.
The Closing the Bones Ceremony
This four-hour, in-home ritual helps mothers feel seen, held, and honored. Through storytelling, somatic practices, music, and swaddling, the ceremony mirrors the care we give to newborns—care that mothers rarely allow themselves. Whether done postpartum or years later, it provides a way to close one chapter and step into the next.
The Power of Being Witnessed
Healing happens in community. Kellee highlights the importance of being seen—not just through words, but through presence and ritual. Much like group therapy, the act of being witnessed can transform how we relate to our experiences.
Reclaiming the Divine Feminine
Stephanie and Kellee explore how this ceremony aligns with the essence of feminine energy—receiving, creating, and allowing care. In a world that constantly demands more from mothers, prioritizing self-nourishment is a radical act.
Why This Matters Now
With mothers more stretched than ever, intentional healing spaces are crucial. By prioritizing their well-being, mothers create healthier families, stronger communities, and a more balanced world.
Listen to the full conversation on Redefining Us to learn more about honoring motherhood through ritual and healing.
Connect with Kellee
Kellee is the founder of Wild Transformations, where she offers Closing the Bones ceremonies, maternal mental health support, and workshops for mothers. You can find Website: wildtransformations.com
IG and FB: @wildtransformations.
Sign up for her monthly newsletter filled with raw, real reflections on motherhood.
If this episode resonated with you, share it with a mother in your life who needs to hear that she is worthy of care, too.
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Links & Resources
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Would you like to chat more about this episode's topic? I would love to continue our conversation over on Instagram! @wellmindedcounseling
I wrote a book! Becoming Mommy: Aligning with yourself and finding your voice during pregnancy and motherhood, available at all major retailers . View on Amazon
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That early postpartum period, anyone who's been through it knows how taxing it is, even in the most equitable relationship, that there are things only the mother can provide. So many women claim it with pride, and they want to give to this new beautiful being that they created. And it's a lot. It's exhausting in every way imaginable. And I don't know about you, but I've never left a baby shower feeling nourished. I maybe felt celebrated. I maybe felt people were excited, but I was doing the dishes afterwards and it wasn't nourishing. So when you think closing the bones, four hours of nourishment in your home, you can think of whatever rituals are meaningful for you. I'm willing to bring in whatever practices are meaningful for women to really feel nourished. So that first hour is having tea or coffee and sharing whatever the woman wants to share about what's been hard and also So it's also room to celebrate of what are they proud of, what's going well.
Speaker 01
01:06
This is Redefining Us, and I'm your host, Stephanie Contrahera, Licensed Professional Counselor. And I'm so glad that you joined us today so we can dive into what it means to be a woman in today's society, figuring out how we balance everything, how we grow, how we be more authentically us and figuring out who we are through the transitions of life, whether that be motherhood, success, relationships, and all things that have happened in women's lives, because it's definitely not a linear journey. And I think by talking about it and normalizing it and validating, we can all rise together and be the women that we were meant to be. So keep tuning in. And I am so excited about joining the conversation and being in your ears each week. Let's get into it. Welcome back to Redefining Us. I'm your host, Stephanie Contra O'Hara. I'm a licensed professional counselor. And today I have with me Kelly Myers, who is also a licensed professional counselor. Kelly is passionate about motherhood and nourishing mothers, the power of spirituality and ceremony to process grief around motherhood and spiritual trauma and post-traumatic growth. She loves anything related to the mountains, cats, and coffee. So thank you very much for joining us today, Kelly. Thank you so much, Stephanie. It's an honor. Well, I appreciate that. So I... Just want to kick off by talking about, yeah, what brought you to this place that you feel like you want to talk to people about the Closing the Bones ceremony and what brought you to ceremony because that's the theme of today's podcast.
Speaker 00
02:48
Yeah. Yeah. I'm just so honored to be here and appreciate all these taboo topics that you talk about that are so real and alive for all of us as mothers and in the fertility journey and grief being one of them that we don't love to talk about, but I'm here to hopefully make it easier for people. Because we all have it.
Speaker 01
03:06
Yeah. For sure. Whether it's around... I mean, you can grieve so many things, I think. The life you had before motherhood, the ideas that you had about motherhood, like the relationship that you had with your partner, and now you have a different relationship with your partner in motherhood. So... Yes, yes, yes. I imagine a lot of that has to do with the shedding of expectations and your journey and all of the things, but...
Speaker 00
03:34
Yeah. And how I came to ceremony, I am a mother of two. I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old. And I remember as I was pregnant with my first talking to a friend of mine who actually a clinical supervisor I had at the time who was a mother, and she said it was the most life-changing thing she had ever been through. And at the time, I couldn't really grasp that because it was like, well, I'm still going to be me. What's going to change? It's one of those things that You can have this idea, but until you're in it, then it gets really real. And how I came to ceremony, I think I'm someone who's always gravitated towards ceremony. I'm someone who... Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 01
04:44
For sure. And I think we always try to put words to something to maybe explain ourselves or explain our experience. But I love what you just said, that idea that some things can't be put into words because I oftentimes feel like that when I'm trying to express myself to my therapist or my husband or a friend. I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling or what this experience is for me.
Speaker 00
05:08
Exactly. And that's something I so appreciate about you naming to myself and your other listeners is that transition into motherhood is so expansive. It's beyond words, right? And chalk therapy is wonderful and it has its limits of what it can offer. And I just feel so lucky. I kind of feel like the ceremony came to me, not the other way around is how I view it. But to share a little bit more about how I learned about Closing of the Bones and I'll say what that is because I know it's a really provocative name that people are wondering, what the heck is that? So I had a pretty easy-ish, as easy as birth can be with my first, though I did have a C-section. But I felt pretty good physically four weeks after, but my second birth, whole different ballgame. I had a another unplanned C-section. And for me, it was really important to have a vaginal birth after C-section, but that wasn't in the cards. So that was my big grief that I had and have had that I was introduced to the ceremony. So I want to give a shout out to a wonderful organization in Boulder. They're called Sanctuary Doulas, and they are not only a birth center, they had a breastfeeding circle that I was going to because my first, what was traumatic with him is he developed allergies and eczema four months into his life. And that's something we continue to battle. And so I was going to this breastfeeding circle and they also had a postpartum support group. I was going to that and one of the counselors there told me about the ceremony and my ears perked up. I'm someone who believes in the power of ceremony. And so that's where I was first introduced to it, was engaging with my own support in a really difficult time in my life.
Speaker 01
07:10
Yeah, that sounds like a great place. It really sounds like it has a lot of options for people.
Speaker 00
Yeah,
Speaker 01
07:16
yeah. I guess what do you think for you was... the point where you're like, I need to do this. Like you said that it's called to you, but if you can put into words, maybe it's not even words, but what was the point where you're like, I need to commit to doing this for myself?
Speaker 00
07:37
Yeah, I think it was the facilitator at the time saying she was completing her master's and she was writing a dissertation on using ceremony for maternal mental health and helping moms grieve. And when I heard hearing moms grieve, I was like, every part of my body was like, yes, because I was grieving my physical recovery. The short story is I had my bladder nicked. I had a stitch put over my ureter. I had even considered, I'm not a litigious person, but I considered taking legal action. I think whenever we go through pain in life, there's nothing more healing than having our pain be heard and taking action over pieces that we did not have choice or control over. And so the closing of the bonds really is that. It's a way to honor our grief and our celebration. Like sometimes I find myself even I feel like I'm being too doomsday about motherhood or something. And I have to remind myself we're allowed to have our gratitude and our celebration too. And I love being a mother. And this last year having our second has rocked me in a way that I never anticipated.
Speaker 01
08:54
Yeah, I think it's interesting the messages that I think are often given to women about, you know, just be grateful you're alive, just be grateful your baby's healthy. And it's like, okay, I can be those things, but I can also be sad and I can also grieve what I wanted and what ended up happening.
Speaker 02
Maybe
Speaker 01
09:15
even anger mixed in there too. Absolutely. Feeling robbed of an experience and feeling anger about being in pain.
Speaker 00
09:24
Yeah, I think we all know what grief is, right? We have this understanding, but to listeners who might be thinking, well, I don't know that I have grief. If you have anger, if you have sadness, those are grief. Anger around, yeah, how you just beautifully put it, of getting something you didn't intend to get or vice versa.
Speaker 01
09:47
Yeah, I was hoping you could maybe explain to the listener a little bit about what grief the ceremony is like or the process so they can have a further understanding of what
Speaker 02
09:58
it looks like.
Speaker 00
09:59
I would love to. So basically, it's a four-hour ceremony in your own home. I am open to facilitating it for people in a place other than their home. If they don't want to do it there, you could do an Airbnb or a friend's house. And it's a way for the mother to be nourished. I think we have in our culture a severe lack of ceremony to nourish the mother in that Yeah. Yeah. curing your pain and reflecting your strengths. And so it's an opportunity to tell your story of who you are now, how pregnancy was, sharing all those big pieces. Because in our culture, when I think of ceremony, we have weddings to honor that transition. We have funerals and other cultures have other ones around turning 15. But how do we not have one? For the most expansive change a person's body and being and a role can undergo. And so that's where this comes in.
Speaker 01
11:42
Yeah. I've been talking to a lot of women about what being a woman is about and motherhood and the words like receiving and creating really have come back to me over and over again in conversations. And it really sounds like this is an opportunity for a mother to change. Absolutely. And kind of honor the creating of this new life and new experience. And yeah, I don't know. Hearing you talk about it made me think of those two words that I kind of keep hearing over and over again about what feminine energy is all about.
Speaker 00
12:18
Yes, this is all about the divine feminine, the healthy feminine, and the healthy masculine too, but heavy on that. the mother receiving mothering, hence the title of the episode, of that early postpartum period especially. Anyone who's been through it knows how taxing it is, even in the most equitable relationship, that there are things only the mother can provide. And so it is what it is, and many women claim it with pride, and they want to give to this new beautiful being that they created. And it's a lot. It's exhausting in every way imaginable. And I don't know about you, but I've never left a baby shower feeling nourished. I maybe felt celebrated. I maybe felt people were excited, but I was doing the dishes afterwards and I wasn't nourishing. All I wanted when I was pregnant with my second was to be in my living room with some of my closest friends and do a tarot reading. And that's what we did. So when you think closing the bones, four hours of nourishment in your home, you can think of that. Whatever rituals are meaningful for you. I identify as interfaith. I have a Christian background. I also have attended lots of new thought metaphysical communities like Unity, and I'm willing to bring in whatever practices Yeah. I imagine some
Speaker 01
14:20
Prep would go into this too. So this woman's not just entering into this space.
Speaker 00
14:24
Exactly. Not sure how to do this. Exactly. Yes. And I feel strongly about that. I know other people in this space doing Closing of the Bones without that preparation and no judgment to them, but I feel passionate about offering that preparation. So I facilitate three preparatory sessions for anyone who's interested in doing this. For us, you can think of it, it's not therapy, but bringing in all my therapy skills of helping a woman tell her story of what is she most proud of and what's been the hardest. So for me, it was powerful to talk about having two unplanned C-sections and all the things that went wrong, needing multiple surgeries in those first three months. And then also to talk about, I had a two-year-old at the time, talk about what it was like to have my own activated needing to bring an EpiPen everywhere and be really focusing on, is my child okay? Which brought up some stuff I won't go into, but touched on dynamics from my childhood. And so- the first hours just talking about whatever you want to share. And then us building in those rituals that we would have already talked about in those three preparatory sessions to ultimately help a woman let go of a painful story that is hard to let go of, which we know as therapists, right? The kind of trauma looping of a story that's trying to work itself out. And sometimes the When it's not working itself out, it's because it hasn't been witnessed enough. And so this is helpful for that, for a group of people to really hear the pain points to help that story shift back towards empowerment, back towards a woman's ultimate power.
Speaker 01
16:15
Yeah. The word witnessing made me have a tangent thought about Going back to that group therapy thing that you were talking about, like the power of having other people hear you or see you, like really see you. Not just like, oh, I see you're sitting in the room, but see you in a meaningful and deep way and that in itself being a part of the healing.
Speaker 00
16:42
Absolutely. Yes. And seeing in ways that, again, don't always involve words. Yeah. When I think ritual, I think those tools that we have that help us move emotion and be with emotion is music. Music is so powerful. So that's built in of a song of a person's choosing. I have a whole motherhood playlist, actually. If people need ideas, that was shared with me when I went through this process, and it's still a playlist I listen to all the time. So And then I really want to talk about the somatic part of the intervention. So why it's called Closing the Bones took me a while to get there, but thanks for hanging on there, listeners. So the idea is, or the reality is, our bones are actually open when giving birth. And I met with a physical therapist recently who told me even though I had C-sections, the bones still had to open some because of the laboring process. And So I do actually know of some physical therapists who, if anyone's needing pelvic floor therapy afterward to help with that actual physical closing, where my skill set comes in is the emotional closing of naming when you're in a new season or era of motherhood. So I'd love to talk about when this can be powerful. But the somatic component is like 20 minutes where... I bring seven cloths, these beautiful, colorful cloths that you get swaddled. And so we swaddle our babies. Why don't we nourish and swaddle our mamas? And it's just a relaxing experience. There can be light music in the background and you're adorned with flowers. You're lying on the ground, just relaxing. soaking in having just shared your story, soaking in the support. That's what was most powerful for me was just feeling these women sit around me and be thinking of me and holding me in love. So powerful. Yeah. And
Speaker 01
19:03
yeah. Yeah. I'm just thinking of this idea that you just mentioned, like women holding you in love and And I don't know, it almost brought a little bit of like a tear to my eye by thinking about that and how, yeah, I'm getting emotional, how important I think it is for everyone to feel that, but especially after something where you're literally giving every ounce of love that you can to a baby. It's so
Speaker 02
important,
Speaker 01
19:30
I think, to know that it's possible or that other women are also wanting to give that back to you.
Speaker 00
19:37
Yes, absolutely. Yes, and I am touched by your tears, and there's never a dry eye in the house when we do this, and it's powerful. It's powerful.
Speaker 01
19:50
Yeah, it sounds like a beautiful experience for everybody involved.
Speaker 00
19:56
It is, yeah, and because it brings stuff up and out, and there's often a relief at the end of that. I know you practice EMDR. I do, too. And for listeners who have done that, it's like when there's a powerful EMDR session, it feels like that. It's like, Right. Like I let go of something. I don't even know what, but I let go of something and thank God.
Speaker 01
20:21
Yeah. Collective breath, everyone like together now.
Speaker 00
20:24
Yeah. And so we often do that intense experience in the middle. And then that last hour is just eating a meal together and that debriefing, the coming down. I always remember. prep women, you're going to be exhausted, just like an EMDR session. So hopefully you can have a nap afterwards. And then about a month later is when I find it to be most useful is doing a follow-up one-hour integration session to talk about the impact of what it helped a mother release, what it reminded her of, all the yummy positive impacts. And then if stuff has left to be tended to, which there often is, if the woman isn't already feeling supported enough, what is enough support? We always need more village. I have a big network. I'm happy to, you know, share and get that person connected. If I don't have any therapy openings to groups, like you're a wonderful group.
Speaker 01
21:27
thank you. Yeah. I think it's, I don't know what's coming up for me here as you're explaining even like the follow up that like, even though this maybe it hasn't been, quote unquote, researched or like science. And like all of the things that you're explaining and talking about in other modalities of therapeutic experiences have been in
Speaker 00
21:53
the Semitic
Speaker 01
21:54
ones. Yes, the somatic ones and even just like the power of community has been, you know, really talked about as something that's like evidence-based and healing. And I'm even thinking about what was it that you said? Oh my goodness, my brain blanked. It'll come back. Yeah, it'll come back. But I think it's just sounds, yeah, in so many ways, even though there's maybe hasn't been a research paper written on this experience that it would truly help people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 00
22:50
Yes. Thank you for naming that. We are forever changed. And the impacts that can be experienced through community, through ceremony can be at any level, every level of mind, body, spirit. So I performed one for someone who was experiencing part of her journey in pregnancy and postpartum was blood pressure all over the place. And when we did our integration session, she said, I have so much that's stressful that's going on in my life that I should feel hijacked, but I don't. I just feel energized and my blood pressures are going down. Can we imply causation? I don't know, but how curious, right? And that whole, the body keeps the score. And so building in the somatic component, Yeah. Yeah. What was one thing that was powerful in mine of helping letting go of a painful story was letter writing. I had my doula and my spouse was there for part of the time, not all of the time. He wrote a letter just witnessing all the strength and power that they witnessed in my laboring, even though it wasn't the outcome I wanted. And that's a letter I'll hold on to my entire life. Another way it can look is writing down pain points and negative beliefs that you have about yourself. You want to let go of, we can burn them in a circle, those sorts of things. And I get creative with my ceremony clients.
Speaker 01
24:45
That's good. Yeah. I think the thought that came back to me was, I imagine there's potentially certain women listening to this being like, I don't have time for that. Or what a privileged thing to do. Yeah. how selfish, whatever. Maybe you're not saying that, but I could potentially hear critics saying those things. And I guess I'm sure you have things to say in support of this, but something that's coming is someone hasn't even done this ceremony, but just listening to you speak about it is if you're healing the mother, you're healing the family, right? Because the mother is working to be attuned with the working to be attuned with a baby, working to be attuned with a community. And if mom is out of attunement with herself, how is she even able to do any of the things that is really asked of her in this journey of motherhood? And so, yeah, I guess that's what I would say to any potential day sayers about this journey. ceremony or really any care that goes back to the mother because, yeah, I would argue that mothers are the foundation of society in a lot of ways. They
Speaker 00
25:60
are. They are. Yes. And they need nourishment desperately. We need nourishment. And I appreciate you naming that. It's something my own inner critic. I'm constantly battling in my own head when I'm trying to get my butt out of the house to go do that thing I want to do for myself. But I also want to be with my family and my toddlers crying. That is real. And what I would say to that, which I'm so passionate about, and I think you are too, is what you just framed that When we take care of ourselves as mothers and allow ourselves, I'm talking four hours. I'm not talking a week in the Bahamas though. I hope we all do that too. It is like trying to give yourself permission for this gift, whatever it looks like and however you're nourished, be it ceremony or otherwise. Because when we're able to fit in self-care and being nourished, We're better humans, better mothers, better spouses. We're just more filled up and it doesn't have to be for others too. I'm trying to fight that narrative. It can be just for us, but I know it's something us women struggle with. It has to be like for others.
Speaker 01
27:19
Yes. Yes. And so whatever gets you in the door, whatever gets you in the door to take care of you, right? Like the adage around, you have to put that oxygen mask on yourself before you can put it on the person next to you. Like, it really is important to care for yourself in a variety of ways. And this is just one really great ceremony and excellent way to support yourself in your community. Yeah.
Speaker 00
27:44
And not shaming yourself when like that takes years. Sometimes we, I had a friend say recently putting band-aids on it. Like, yeah, sometimes we have to put band-aids on it, but when there's even a little window of a, of a weekend, it can be powerful.
Unknown
Yeah.
Speaker 01
28:01
Yeah. So why do you think this is particularly important for women to hear now in today's world? I
Speaker 00
28:11
love the question. I might need to think on that. I mean, we're inundated. We are inundated. We are holding so much. We give so much to others. We need to have a balance of receiving in that process that divine feminine receiving to continue the flow of give, receive, give, receive to make it through these wild times we're in. Yeah.
Speaker 01
28:43
Yeah, I agree. I think that it's really valuable to take care of yourself, you know, not just now, but in general in the future, because the world's not becoming any less complicated as we move through it, right? No. More things calling our attention, more barriers to receive help or access childcare or what have you, like taking care of you. Yeah, I think it's fundamental.
Speaker 00
29:11
Absolutely. Yes. When we're doing okay, then we can show up and take action and hold hope in a world where it can be easy to despair.
Speaker 01
29:23
Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I was hoping you might be able to share how people can find you or potentially other resources that you're really loving right now that you want to share with the listener. Absolutely.
Speaker 00
29:35
Yeah. Lately, I am loving if you're a listener and also a business owner. I was introduced to Renegade Motherhood. as a networking opportunity, which is all about doing business like a mom. Obviously, I love this podcast or I wouldn't be on here. Sanctuary Doulas in Boulder, Colorado, all kinds of wonderful resources out there. And I know of other groups as well. So I am also excited to be offering a newsletter. So I hope Listeners will check me out if this resonates with you, wildtransformations.com. Wild Transformations with an S at the end is my business. And I'm also on Facebook and Instagram under Wild Transformations. And in the monthly newsletter, I promise not to inundate people's inbox, but just once a month, I will be sharing little raw snippets of my own life of being a mother that'll make you laugh, make you cry, eating chicken nuggets off the floor, just all the stuff. And also sharing resources that are out there to, to get through this.
Speaker 01
30:55
Yeah. Well, thank you so much. And all that information is going to be in our show notes. So if anyone wants to find it, feel free to go to the website to find the show notes and also be in our newsletter that also comes out. So I hope that everyone really loved what you had to say. I loved what you had to say. So hopefully the audience agrees with me, but thank you so much for being on today, Kelly.
Speaker 00
31:16
Yes, thank you so much Stephanie. It was great to chat.
Speaker 01
31:20
Thank you for tuning in to Redefining Us once again and share with other people so other people can continue to listen to Redefining Us and we can get into more listeners ears. If you follow us or subscribe or leave a comment or review, that'd be greatly helpful for other people to find us and also just for me to get some feedback. What do you guys want to hear me say? What do you women care about hearing? I'm totally open to to bringing on guests and talking about topics that are unique and inspiring to everyone. So please let me know. And this year, hopefully we'll be full of a lot of community building, a lot of public speaking, a lot of resource sharing. So I really encourage you to follow us on social media at well-minded counseling on Instagram as our handle, as well as going directly to our website, wellmindcounseling.com backslash redefining hyphen us. So So you can be in the know with all the things that are happening in the Redefining Us community. Once again, thank you so much for listening and keep being awesome.