Episode 9: Breaking Myths About Domestic Violence and Finding Support with Sybil Cummin
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In this episode, we dive into the challenging realities of navigating narcissistic abuse, coercive control and domestic violence, particularly within the family court system, and how important it is that survivors of these situations find a like-minded community to heal within. Our guest, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS, shares her journey into this field, explaining how her work as a play therapist with children revealed systemic issues that fail to protect families. We discuss the impact of coercive control on mental health, the misperceptions surrounding abuse like how abuse doesn't discriminate whether you have a good education and wealth, and the devastating effects on protective parents—predominantly mothers—who are often dismissed or vilified.
The conversation highlights the importance of understanding abuse in all the ways it shows up (it's not just overt) beyond physical violence, addressing the role of community in healing, and offering support to survivors as they navigate the complexities of safety, trauma recovery, and rebuilding their lives. Most importantly, we explore strategies to help survivors develop trust, autonomy, and resilience in systems that frequently fall short of providing protection or justice.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
The pervasive myths about domestic violence and the reality of coercive control.
How systemic biases in family court harm protective parents and children.
The importance of community and connection in the healing process.
Strategies for survivors to rebuild their trust and sense of self.
The delicate balance of sharing one’s story without shame or comparison.
Resources Mentioned:
https://www.risingbeyondpc.com
https:// instagram.com/risingbeyondpc
https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/podcasts
Sybil's Canned Responses Freebie: https://mailchi.mp/risingbeyondpc/freebie
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I wrote a book! Becoming Mommy: Aligning with yourself and finding your voice during pregnancy and motherhood, available at all major retailers . View on Amazon
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This is Redefining Us, and I'm your host, Stephanie Contrahera, Licensed Professional Counselor. And I'm so glad that you joined us today so we can dive into what it means to be a woman in today's society, figuring out how we balance everything, how we grow, how we be more authentically us and figuring out who we are through the transitions of life, whether that be motherhood, success, relationships, and all things that have happened in women's lives, because it's definitely not a linear journey. And I think by talking about it and normalizing it and validating, we can all rise together and be the women that we were meant to be. So keep tuning in. And I am so excited about joining the conversation and being in your ears each week. Let's get into it. Welcome back to Redefining Us. I'm Stephanie Contrera-Hera. I'm a licensed professional counselor. Before we get started, I just really want to be as authentic as possible. And I totally recorded this entire podcast already, but without sound. So go me. I'm going to hopefully still have as much enthusiasm and energy that I did the first time around, but I just wanted to let you know that even someone who supposedly has everything together still makes mistakes and still messes up. So I really just want to be my authentic self with you all because I feel like there's so much on the internet that's like polished, prim and proper, and Yeah, we're doing away with that in this new version of myself, as well as this new version of what women are. Don't need to be quiet. Don't need to be silenced. Don't need to be a certain way. Show up as yourself, which is a lot about what my group is about. So that kind of allows me to transition right in to a deep dive of what my group that I'm going to be offering on January 21st for eight weeks is really about. And my hope is to offer this group in the future. other people. So if you're listening to this well past January 21st of 2025, my hope is that I'm still doing this group. And if I'm not, bug me, reach out to me, be like, hey, Stephanie, this group that you had going in 2025 sounds incredible. I really want to be a part of this journey and this experience because I'm becoming a mom now. And I would love that. This work is really important to me, and I hope to continue doing it for a long time. So I just wanted to throw that out there. If you're listening to this well into the future and this group is already done, this information is near and dear to my heart. So I really hope that you reach out to me so we can connect. Okay, so a part of this group, I've been working on a workbook that has several exercises in it. I'm looking at it right now and the rough draft is 22 pages. So it's a lot of content. that I really am excited to share with everyone that's going through the journey of becoming a mom. And this is a workbook, so it's both educational as well as experiential. I have exercises in this workbook that we'll also be doing in the group, and that will also be a part of some of the content that you'll receive outside of the group as homework video version. So you can really work on these things, not just in the hour and a half that we have every week together, but ongoing. Being a mom and becoming a parent is a huge transition, hence why the podcast name is Redefining Us. Because through my experience of becoming a mom, it really made me figure out, oh my goodness, I thought I had to redefine who I was after I graduated college. I became a whole new person, I felt like, after I graduated college because I'd been in school for so long that now I was this person who's no longer in school. Like, what was I working for? What was I achieving? And then I found this new identity as being a career woman, being really impassioned by the work that I do. And I'm still passionate about the work that I do, obviously. I wouldn't be doing this podcast if I wasn't. But yeah, I really started to identify with myself as a therapist, as a career woman. And then I got married, and then I added on that identity. And then becoming a mom, like, really shook things up for me. And I imagine this is not going to be the first time my life has shaken up. Probably again in my 40s and my 50s and my 60s, when we're constantly going through transitions, we constantly, as a woman, have to figure out how to redefine yourself. But that's the reason why the podcast is named what it's named. In case I never... Well, never that before. But back to the group. I'm getting off track here. The group is really meant to be this therapeutic community. In my experience, I did have therapy during pregnancy. I fell off of it during postpartum. I attempted to join things. They never came to be. I was overwhelmed. I was stressed. I didn't find time to reconnect with therapists until much later in my postpartum experience. And I feel like the therapist that I had leading up to giving birth really was great because it helped me figure out all of these things that maybe didn't have to do with becoming a mother, but it made me like more aligned with myself, but didn't really prepare me for like the transition that motherhood was going to have. I think a lot of people downplay that. the extensiveness of this transition because so many people do it. So they're like, oh, well, I did it. You can do it. I'm not going to tell you how it is because I don't want to just scare you off. I'm not going to tell you how it is because maybe your experience is going to be different. And some of those reasons are really valid. But I also think people need to enter into things with eyes wide open or get the help that they need When they have done this transition and they're like, what the heck is going on with myself, with my baby, with my relationship, with my partner? If I'm choosing to do this solo, how do I manage to do this solo? If I'm not choosing to do this solo and it was thrusted upon me to do it solo, how am I going to figure that out? So another thing that I really want to emphasize is like, even if this is like your second or third AB, like each experience is different. I've been to some conferences and spoken with women who have had multiple babies, and then they're like, oh my goodness, my second baby was much different than my first. It was so much harder. My postpartum was more intense. My body healed differently. The time that I had was different. Obviously, on your second or third baby, you're older than you are at your first. So every baby, every... Mother is different each time they become another, not just for the first. So I also want to say that this group is also for women who are in those spaces because I think there is a lot of focus on first-time moms. And then the second and third baby happen, and nobody has a baby shower for you, or if you do, it's so small. No one is as excited as they were with their first baby. You may get some congratulations, but there's not like a big like hoopla, like, oh my God, you're welcoming your fourth baby. At least from what I've witnessed. Maybe that your experience was different, but I think in culture as a whole, like the second, third, fourth, et cetera, there's just less excitement, less newness, but it is exciting and it is new. It's a new human. You are a new person each time you meet. enter into motherhood with a new child. So this group is also for those people because I think that those people can often get pushed aside and ignored because it's like, you know what this rodeo is like. You walked down this path before. You should be an expert. That I feel like is meh. That is nonsense. Like every baby's different and you're different with each baby. So This group is for new moms and unquote seasoned moms. So a part of this episode, I wanted to dive deep into one of the exercises in my book so you can get a feel for what it's like to do one of these exercises and know what you're getting into when you join into the group. So I want to start off just with like a random exercise in the book. This is exercise 13. This is five ways to practice vulnerability. And vulnerability, I think, is really important in motherhood because a lot of things that happen, I think, are easily dismissed by providers and then in turn dismissed by our culture. And then in turn, you dismiss them within yourself. So recognizing that it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to say like, actually, no, I'm not okay, even though this is baby number two. Or actually, no, I'm not okay, even though I wanted this baby so bad and I waited so long to have them. All of those cases, every desire or every hope and wish someone had to become a mom and then it's heard, you feel like you need to stay silent. You can't, talk about it. You can't say, oh my gosh, even though I tried for like three years or I tried for 10 years or whatever to have this baby, I have none now and I'm like so tired and I'm so exhausted and this baby just hates me. Whatever happens for you, I think it's important to notice that you can be both grateful that you have a child and grateful for the experience of becoming a mother and also exhausted by it, also feeling all the feelings you do feel about it. So this exercise is about practicing vulnerability. So the first step in practicing vulnerability is expressing your feelings, acknowledging them and expressing them, not just to yourself, but to other people. When you express them to other people, it encourages an honest, in deeper connection with others. If you don't really know how to feel your feelings, I would really recommend doing an exercise where you close your eyes and notice where are these feelings coming up in my body. Does it feel like space? Does it feel like a sharp pinning needle? Does it feel like a heavy weight on my chest? Really getting connected with how the word works of a feeling like anger or like the word anxiety or scared, you can intellectualize that and feel that. But like, how does it feel like in your body? And then expressing that to another person, really getting connected with your emotions and the way that you experience them and then share them with others. Another way to practice vulnerability is to ask for help. When reflecting on previous times that you've sought help, you may realize that you found yourself being really dependent and self-sufficient and that it's a skill set you really took pride in. A lot of women fall into this category because we're kind of taught to minimize our emotions and minimize our needs and are in this place of truly receiving things from others and truly being able to to let our guard down enough to ask for help. And we've seen it as a great sense of pride to, again, be self-sufficient. So what would it look like to really let that guard down and ask for help? This skill of asking for help is community building. You're allowing yourself to be vulnerable and be humble enough to know that you can't do it all and that you maybe have a lack of knowledge somewhere or a shortcoming somewhere and that asking for help will allow you to bridge that gap and be vulnerable in that way. Number three is sharing your personal story. Tell others about your experiences that have shaped you or changed you, especially as it relates to pregnancy and motherhood. Encourage that the other person shares some stories too. This creates an exchange of trust and intimacy with others when you do that. The fourth one is give and receive feedback. I think sometimes we think that if we give other people's feedback that they're going to feel judged or that they're going to be dismissive. But if you allow yourself to receive feedback and Acknowledge how you feel when you receive it. Perhaps that'll help inform you how to give feedback to others that is meant to help lead personal growth as well as some flexibility. And everyone needs flexibility, especially in this transition into mother. So reminding yourself that you need to be patient with yourself and suggest that others be patient with their self too in this process of giving feedback and receiving feedback. And finally, practice empathy. Be receptive to other people's vulnerabilities. Show understanding when they share your feelings with you and how their feelings make sense for the situation that they're in or how their feelings are okay to feel. And just expressing that deeper understanding of the other person's experience, again, will help bridge that gap and build more vulnerability in the relationship as well as help build community and more support. And that's really what the group in essence is about, but definitely something that is good to foster in your life, not just during pregnancy and postpartum, but in general. Well, I hope that that was helpful, that exercise. Again, that was just, one of the exercises in my workbook. And I really hope that you'll be able to join the group. And if you have any questions about the group, feel free to reach out. You can email me or contact me number at Well-Minded Counseling. And you can schedule a 10 to 15 minute consultation with me to have me answer any questions. Or if you want to email me, I'm happy to answer any questions before the group starts. It's eight weeks, $100 for a group. And I really hope to see you there.
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Thank you all for listening. I hope you found some inspiration, validation, had some questions answered, or just enjoyed listening to this week's episode. I encourage you to check out our website, well-minded counseling.com backslash redefining us pod for any resources that were mentioned in today's episode. Check out my new program on our website as well for first-time moms, where you can join other women entering into motherhood. The program offers three phases, phase one, exploring where you are on your journey towards motherhood and connecting with this new identity. Phase two, preparing your mind, body, and spirit for giving birth. And phase three, reconnecting to yourself while caring for your baby. I truly appreciate if you leave a review and rating so other women can find us as well. Thank you all for listening again and keep on connecting with yourself and with others in the community and redefining us.